The Valley Girl

Sitting with my laptop, coffee steam rising in whisps above my "venti chai tea latte with soy and whipped cream", I marvel.
Why do I marvel?
I'll tell you.


"Like, oh ma gawd! Holy shet. I totally can't believe he, like, did that to her. I mean what did he think she was some kind of frikin booty call?" This coming from a girl wearing her ass outside of her shorts.
Her friend, an equal, replies, "Ha ha ha! Ohmygodiknow!! He is such a total asshole. I'm so glad I'm not sleeping with him anymore."
"Ah! Lizzy, where did you get your totally hott bag?"
"I totally know! It has fifty compartments!"
"Yeah, where did you get et?"
"Well it was like five hundred. Daddy's plastic! HAHA!"
"Totally cool! Where did you say you got it again?"
"Well...don't tell anyone..........but I totally got it at SAKS."
"AH! NO."
"Like, yes..."
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
"I know, AAAAAAAAHHHHH!"
"Everyone knows SAKS is totally trailer trash this season."
"I know but my car broke down and I didn't feel like walking to Nordstroms."
"Liz, hun. That is like, NO excuse, girlfriend! "
"Ah, I know. But you totally would have done the same thing."



It goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on...and on and on, an endless string of senseless babble.

What has made these girls the way they are? What in God's name happened to them which made them the masses of blonde and silicone that they are now as I try not to gape at them?? I fear the worst. Someone must have dropped them on the hard hospital floor just after they were born. Sad, I know, but nonetheless I am driven to attack them with my laptop and run. I would also take my coffee with me.
They are not worth wasting the heavenly goodness in this cup.

Valley Girls always travel in packs.
They need a boyfriend to be one of the "cool" pack members.
If you are a virgin, it's okay, as long as you let all the other valley girls talk to you as if you were a child and coax you into hooking up with this cute guy they saw in Abercrombie the other day. And of course you must eventually either have your heart broken so that you may cry on their shoulder and give them the drama they thrive on or sleep with Abrecrombie Boy.
Valley Girls love to shop.
Valley Girls love to shop.
Valley Girls love to waste money.
Valley Girls can't help but waste money because they have so much of it.
Valley Girls consider pretty girls a threat, even when no one else is around.
Valley Girls can be the most supportive in a boy situation, especially one in which a heart is broken.
They will start shit with the heartbreaker. Gladly.

Valley Girls are a very specific breed. They evoke laughter, drama, and a crazed fashion sense to be compared to Micheal Jackson's obsession with little boys.

Speaking of boys, there are such things as Valley Boys, but that's an entirely different ballpark.

Some People

I find myself from time to time, more often than I probably should, placing myself in a category completely separate from the people I am surrounded by. They are all specimens to be examined and I am the probe, tickling their sides and making them feel at home so I may better psychologically analyze them. Sick? Quite possibly, but also quite unintentional unless I find the the specimen to be distasteful. In a case like that, I would make the specimen as miserable as possible and get great joy out of their much deserved squirming.
I am not a scientific person. The scientific-ness of my description of the human race is simply to make clear my detachment from the human race. This does not go to say that I am a heartless loner. I am happily engaged to the best thing that has ever happened to me, a man in case you were wondering, and have friends that I treasure. It does go to say that aside from the select members of my posse, the world and its inhabitants, to me, is something to look at and try to understand, to criticize and laugh at. Many people are smart. Some are stupid. Some are smupid. But all people have little quirks that make them easy to laugh at.

This blog is meant to serve as an easy way to laugh at people.
Laughter can add up to twenty years to your life.
If you share my sense of humor, I suggest you join my Minions.
If not, I'll probably laugh at you.
Beware.

Love and kisses,
Alaina.